A mum-turned-bodybuilder so obsessed with working out that it led her to become infertile has shared her harrowing story to help others.
Nicola Chan, 39, from Liverpool, used to have a very unhealthy relationship with food, having developed non-purging bulimia, an eating disorder in her late teens.
She would gorge on food and then work out to excess in a bid to burn it off, with the situation escalating in later years.
As an adult, Nicola became afraid of keeping food in the fridge and would hit the gym until her body ached – and even started teaching classes in different gyms to hide how much exercise she was doing.
When the mum, who now has two daughters aged 23 and 10, went into bodybuilding, she became temporarily infertile and didn’t menstruate for years, a condition known as hypothalamic amenorrhea.
That’s when she knew it was time to get help.
“I would spend 95% of my brain [power] hating myself, focused on my food and exercising,” the mum, who shares tidbits of her life on Instagram (@body_confidence22) told Jam Press.
“My eldest now tells me about her childhood of having no food in the fridge and I feel bad, but back then I couldn’t cope.
“I feared if the fridge was full of nice food, I’d eat it all.
“This is ‘last supper mentality’ – if you are deprived of something when you get it, you end up eating more of it than if you were allowed to have it all the time.
“In a way, I didn’t want to give up hating my body because it led to huge motivation to exercise, where people admired how motivated I was – but I had compulsion, I had to get rid of food.
“I also feared that if I stopped, I would become lazy.
“If I didn’t like my arms I would pinch the fat, feel terrible and then say: ‘Right that’s it, let’s go to the gym’.”
Being so strict with what she ate, Nicola experienced extreme lows – which came to a head when she was struggling to get pregnant.
She said: “My lowest point was probably when I was infertile – I felt empty, like I wasn’t a real woman because I couldn’t conceive a child.
“I was having IVF treatments and even the doctors didn’t pick up on the fact that I needed to do less exercise and eat more food.
“Instead GPs and clinicians blindly followed the advice at the time to eat less and move more.
“When I eventually got pregnant it was because I stopped exercising so much.”
In 2015, Nicola took up bodybuilding in a bid to find confidence in her body, but it soon saw her go on a 12-week eating binge.
Nicola said: “I had already had my child, so I was a ‘normal’ weight, but I still didn’t like my body.
“I felt I was in a good place to do body building and I thought I might learn to like my body.
“I only meant to do one show, which I won, but this then led to another few shows, so I stayed lean for so long.
“It’s recommended that after a period of 12 weeks, you should return to your ‘normal’ body and eating – but I enjoyed being that thin.
“My brain was running on such little fuel, that I was already not seeing how I looked and the lines of perfection moved, to the point where I wanted more.”
Nicola recalls seeing women coming in with suitcases full of treats after competing and would often share them with her.
The mum’s control over her eating and exercising was triggered when she was sexually assaulted and raped as a teenager, and she also says that 90s diet culture played a part in her obsession.
She said: “There are many factors that contributed to my body image issues, including my mum’s dieting and exercise habits.
“Like most women in the 90s, the beauty ideal was to be thin with adverts for shakes, to slim down or workout videos where women were always very skinny.
“All of this sent me subliminal messages that there was only one way to be a woman, and that women needed to be attractive to be accepted and successful.
“This is why the lines are very blurred with what is an eating disorder and what is disordered eating.”
In 2018, she decided to find a way out of her negative cycle – training as a qualified NLP body positivity coach.
She said: “Being an all or nothing type A character, I was always good at the extreme – so I went extreme with my recovery.
“I decided one day, that my only options were to go back into another show, which didn’t heal my body image – or to try something new, such as body positivity.
“I was inspired by all the coaches I had wanted to become and help others get out of pain too.
“Since starting this personal development journey, I realised that much of my shame and dislike for myself was due to past trauma.
“Now, I help people to see what is underneath their eating disorder or obsession with body image.
“Once I found the body positive community, I listened to podcasts, read books and interviewed people on my radio show – I threw myself into that world.
“I am passionate about helping people to feel free with food and their bodies, so they can live their best lives.”
Now, she runs her own company, Wai-Shee coaching, helping people through courses on confidence and personal training classes.
Nicola added: “I want to be that voice that I was once looking for.
“I promise you, you are not alone, there is help out there and you can find peace in your body and restore your relationship with food.
“I believe every woman has the right to feel confident in her body no matter what shape or size she is.”
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