A woman who sleeps in a separate bedroom to her husband says their unconventional set-up has transformed their marriage – and brought them closer than ever.
Luisa Chater and her husband Johnathan, both 49, have been married for 14 years and have known each other since childhood.
But despite their decades-long bond, the couple made a bold decision four years ago – to ditch the traditional shared bed and sleep apart.
And according to Luisa, it’s been nothing short of life-changing.
“I think there is a stigma around sleeping separately, but there shouldn’t be,” Luisa, from Dorset, told Need To Know.
“Everyone needs sleep and if you’re not getting enough sleep, then do something about it.
“It doesn’t stop us loving each other or being intimate.
“If you love your partner, you want the best for them and if you’re snoring or you have a cold and don’t want them to get it, then you move rooms for a while.
“This isn’t forever, it’s just for now, until things get easier for me pain wise.”
Luisa lives with chronic pain due to a disability and also suffers from sleep apnoea – both of which disrupt her rest and cause frequent wake-ups throughout the night.
Meanwhile, Johnathan needs to be fully rested for his job at a water company.
So in a decision rooted in love and practicality, the couple agreed Luisa would sleep in her own room – allowing both of them to get the rest they need.
Luisa explained: “We decided to sleep separately because I’m disabled and I have a lot of pain all the time, I don’t sleep well and it’s very broken, so I will sleep for an hour or so and then I wake up because I have to change position before the pain becomes worse.
“I also have sleep apnoea and use a machine for that, but we decided it would be better for John because he needs to work during the day.
“If I need him, I can call him and he comes in to help me and he can also hear me, so if I have fallen or I need help, he knows when to come in.
“We mutually decided because John wasn’t sleeping and he knew I was trying to stay still so he could sleep, which was making my pain worse, so we decided mutually to try sleeping apart.
“I felt guilty at first, because it’s my fault he couldn’t sleep and if I wasn’t disabled or in pain, we would still sleep together.
“I knew it would be best for us both, because it means John is refreshed for work and if I need to sleep in or during the day, it doesn’t matter, I can sleep when I can.
“It hasn’t affected us negatively, we both love each other more as time goes on, if he wants to share a bed with me at the weekend, he can, I don’t stop him and he can join me in our bed anytime he likes.”
Now, the pair say the decision to sleep apart has actually made their relationship stronger than ever.
Luisa is able to wake up, watch TV or read without disturbing her husband – and John knows she’s safe and can respond if she needs help.
And it hasn’t impacted their love life at all.
She said: “John’s sleep quality is better, unfortunately mine is the same, although I can sleep when I need to.
“If I wake, I can put the light on and read or watch tv if I need to without bothering John.
“He knows when I can’t sleep though because he can see my light, but he knows I’m okay, so he turns over and goes back to sleep.
“If we want to be ‘romantic’ we can do.
“The unexpected benefits are more sleep, less stress, no arguments because we’re both exhausted and we are happy how things are at the moment.
“We haven’t had any challenges because of sleeping apart.
“We always go to bed together, have a hug and a kiss as always and he helps me with whatever I need and then John goes to his bed.
“We will share a bed again, this isn’t a permanent solution.
“This is temporary and we will sleep together again, when I’m in less pain.”
And while some may assume their separate sleeping arrangement is a sign of trouble – Luisa insists it’s anything but.
The couple still hold hands in public, check in on each other throughout the day and maintain a close emotional bond.
Now Luisa is encouraging other couples to consider thinking outside the box – if it means saving their sleep and their relationship.
She added: “If you’re struggling to sleep and you think it would make things easier, just do it. It’s working for us currently, when we want to sleep together again, we will.
“It hasn’t changed our relationship, we’re just us. We still cuddle and still love each other more than anything.
“A misconception is that we don’t love each other anymore, but that’s not true, we love each other and we are still the same.
“We don’t even think about us sleeping apart because we love each other just the same. We did this because of the benefits, not because of negatives, it’s just something we do.”
