A mum says dealing with her father’s dementia battle while caring for her children felt like an impossible balancing act.
Emma McCaffrey was juggling school runs, her online fitness business, hospital appointments and emergency phone calls — all while watching the man she idolised slowly disappear.
The 48-year-old became a “sandwich carer”, caught between raising her two young daughters and caring for her dad Dirk, after he developed dementia.
One minute she would be organising costumes for World Book Day or school events for daughters Esther, 12, and Penny-Wren, 10 – the next, she would be rushing to A&E after her mother Janice, 76, called in distress because her father had become confused again.
“It’s been such a stressful few years,” Emma, from Winchester, Hampshire, told Need To Know.
“At any given day, I didn’t know what was going to happen.
“I was juggling all of these balls, the kids, doing a class, then mum would call and say dad was being difficult or confused and I’d have to get him to the doctors or A&E.
“Mum would ask me to go round so I’d drop anything.
“I’d think ‘what’s more important here, my dad or my kids?’.
“My whole day would be topsy-turvy.
“I’d abandoned plans, I had no time to myself, the kids would be out of schedule, there’d be no food in the house, and we’re all out of routine.
“I’d feel guilty constantly.
“When I was with my kids, I felt guilty that I wasn’t with my dad or if I was with my dad, I felt guilty I wasn’t with my kids.
“Whatever choice I made, someone was losing out.”
Dirk, who died in December last year aged 78, had always been the strong, dependable figure in Emma’s life.
But in 2020, Emma began noticing subtle changes in her father’s behaviour.
In May 2023, he suffered a particularly frightening episode that left the family fearing the worst.
Emma, who is a single mum, said: “He started getting UTIs that caused delirium and it sped up the dementia.
“He had an episode where he had delirium but we didn’t know that.
“He was in hospital and completely confused.
“Dad looked so poorly i thought ‘this is it’.”
An MRI later revealed deterioration on Dirk’s brain, although it took another eight months before he was formally diagnosed with dementia.
Emma said: “From that moment, our lives changed.
“Me and my sister made sure there was someone there every day.
“We were on edge the whole time.
“I had my kids’ doctors’ appointments, school things, work, dad’s appointments and sometimes my dad didn’t want to go to appointments.
“I’d have to go over at night and sometimes I would stay over.
“There were so many cancelled plans, it was an unpredictable situation.
“That went on for two years.”
The pressure eventually took a toll on Emma’s personal life, ending her five-year relationship.
Despite the emotional strain, Emma says her daughters were “amazing” throughout their grandfather’s illness.
Emma said: “My kids were so understanding, they were amazing.
“My five-year relationship ended because I just couldn’t do it.
“I wanted to show up for my kids.
“Every week, I either wasn’t there for my children, not showing up at my business, not seeing my dad or not seeing my boyfriend.
“Ending the relationship wasn’t easy but prioritising my dad was the easiest decision I’ve ever had to make and I have no regrets.”
Emma, who owns online fitness platform Move With Emma, believes women still disproportionately shoulder caring responsibilities.
She added: “Generally speaking, there’s a natural, ingrained expectation that women can take it on.
“I don’t want to be defined as a mum.
“I’m also trying to build a business.
“And I want to have a wonderful time with my kids but at the same time I was spending a lot of time in end-of-life settings.
“You’re watching your children’s lives start and your parents’ lives come to an end.”
