A mum who spent years drinking to take the edge off now believes her daily wine habit was actually a way of dealing with social anxiety.
Sarah Lloyd relied on booze to get through high-pressure days at work – necking a drink most evenings and bingeing at weekends just to feel “normal”.
From the outside, the mum-of-two from Hampshire looked successful, climbing the ladder into global corporate PR roles.
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But behind closed doors, the 48-year-old was battling crippling anxiety, burnout and daily shame after years of drinking to keep up the mask.
“Drinking at first was always about fitting in,” she told Need To Know.
“I could never have one or two.
“I would binge on weekends and my job meant we’d end up in pubs after work or we held events with open bars, so I prided myself on being able to drink like a fish.
“Often I’d drink to the point of blackout and wonder how I had made it home in one piece, if at all.
“It was my way of letting go, blocking out how I was feeling and attempting to fit in with others around me – and I had no off switch – I would just keep going until the money ran out or I was kicked out.
“At my worst, when single, I would drink a bottle of wine a night.
“I was spending around £50 a week on alcohol.
“I primarily drank wine but when I tried to calm my drinking down I switched to beer.”
Drinking helped Sarah navigate loud offices, social situations, tight deadlines and the constant pressure to perform.
For years, she put the panic attacks, burnout and mental overload down to stress, motherhood and a demanding career.
It wasn’t until reaching perimenopause last year that everything began to make sense.
After reflecting on decades of difficulty with sensory overwhelm, social masking, people-pleasing and anxiety, Sarah realised she was likely neurodivergent – a discovery that reframed her entire relationship with alcohol.
She said: “I am not officially diagnosed but when I hit peri-menopause I had a realisation that a lot of my behaviours and communication style isn’t just down to high functioning anxiety, it was much deeper than that.
“I used alcohol to help me overcome my awkwardness.
“I would take things very literally and found it hard to know when someone was joking and when they weren’t.
“I would say yes to everything and had no boundaries to the point I would often endanger myself.
“And if plans changed on me, I would think that everyone hated me.”
Sarah’s drinking hit its peak in her 30s and early 40s.
She said: “I lost friends and potential partners because of how I behaved when drunk.
“I would often text the night after a major session, panicking that I had upset people, often not remembering what I had said.
“Work kept me putting one foot in front of the other.
“Mentally it was a rollercoaster.
“I would either be the life and soul, or withdraw from plans or leave gatherings without a second glance.
“I felt uncomfortable in my own skin most of the time and never felt like I truly fitted in, so I learned to copy others and worried I would be found out.”
After the birth of her second child, Sarah suffered a severe episode that left her terrified and desperate for answers.
When antidepressants and CBT didn’t help, she tried Reiki as a last resort.
And the experience sparked a huge shift.
For the first time in years, she felt calm and it opened the door to a deeper healing journey.
In 2017, she decided to go to the Mind Body Spirit Festival in London, which changed everything.
The shift inspired her to leave the corporate world and train in Reiki herself.
She now works for the very same festival, which is set to celebrate its 49th anniversary in London next year.
Sarah, who runs the Shame-Less Stories podcast, said: “It was like someone had switched a light on inside me.
“I felt this sense of peace and calm I hadn’t felt before.
“Before the festival I had a successful career in a global role, two small children, a marriage and on paper life was great.
“But in reality I was struggling.
“I was drinking too much, had high functioning anxiety and was working all hours.
“I had already always had a leaning to the more spiritual way of life in my younger years, but had shut it all off until I realised conventional ways were not helping.
“I had tried anti-depressants and they just turned all my feelings off.”
Instead of seeing herself as weak or overly sensitive, Sarah – who also launched her own PR company – now views her past through the lens of someone who was struggling without the language or awareness to explain it.
Today she is alcohol-free, grounded and focused on helping other women share their stories.
She added: “I’ve learned that understanding myself – my mind, my body, and my patterns – has been far more powerful than any drink ever was.
“Now I face life with clarity, not a bottle, and that freedom is priceless.”
