A man who is in a ‘lavender marriage’ says people online judge his relationship – but it’s the “most intentional relationship” he’s ever been in.
Marty Thomas, an openly gay man, has been in a relationship with his best friend Brandi, 43, a woman, for more than 14 years – and they share a daughter.
The 46-year-old says their relationship “evolved naturally” after he came out to her when they met 18 years ago.
Marty says he and Brandi “love each other deeply” but that their relationship is not built on traditional romantic or sexual attraction.
“We’ve learned that attraction isn’t one-dimensional; there’s intellectual attraction, emotional attraction, the attraction of someone who truly sees you and chooses you wholeheartedly,” Marty, from Gilbert, Arizona, US, told Need To Know.
“That’s what we have and it’s more durable than anything else I’ve experienced.”
The two give each other the freedom to date or pursue other connections – emphasising there will never be any jealousy involved.
He said: “The dating scene in general is a total dumpster fire right now, especially when you’re a gay man in suburbia – swipe left, swipe right.
“For right now, we are focused on what we are building together and individually dating will happen when the timing is right.
“That’s part of the deal; we built this on the foundation of radical honesty so when the time comes that one of us is dating or in a relationship with someone else, we’ll navigate the same way we navigate everything by talking about it.
“Jealousy usually comes from secrets and surprises.
“When there are none there is a lot less to be jealous about.”
Marty says he and Brandi were “immediate best friends who turned into something more.”
He added: “We decided to begin an intimate relationship together, get married and have a child, and I put my identity as a gay man on hold for over a decade.”
After more than 10 years, Marty shared that he wanted to live his life as an openly gay man.
He added: “Instead of that being the end of us, it became the real beginning, we realised that what we’d built, a deep friendship, shared values, a genuine desire to raise a family together, was more valuable than what society told us a marriage was supposed to look like.
“It was the right choice because we stopped performing for other people and started building something real for ourselves.”
Now, the couple is living together, raising their daughter Londyn, 14, and sharing parts of their relationship on social media.
In a recent post, Marty and Brandi revealed some of the most common questions they get asked about their lavender marriage.
The clip garnered more than 1.6m views, over 25,000 likes and upwards of 1,000 comments.
Viewers were very quick to share their praise for the couple among the comments.
Cheri said: “This love is really amazing”.
JP wrote: “Your relationship is incredible.
“Building a healthy relationship takes a lot of work on both sides.
“Thanks to you both for sharing what that looks like.”
Another person added: “We choose each other every day.
“Sounds better than a lot of non lavender marriages”.
According to Marty, one of the biggest benefits to his relationship is having freedom – to choose each other, to do what they want without the other’s permission and to communicate.
The founder of Life and Love Made Authentic (LLMA), which advocates for honest intentional relationship structures, added: “There are no gender roles in this house.
“Nobody’s expected to be the husband or the wife in the traditional sense.
“We both have the freedom to do what makes each of us happy and we talk about everything, and I mean everything.
“That level of openness is something most traditional marriages never achieve because people are too afraid of rocking the boat.
“On top of that, we parent better when you strip away the romantic tension, the score-keeping and the unmet expectations.
“You’re left with two people completely aligned on raising their kid.”
Marty says their close friends and family have been “incredibly supportive”, but he and Brandi have faced backlash from people online.
He said: “[The drawback is] public perception, the ridicule from people who are personally offended that our marriage doesn’t look like theirs.
“But here’s the humorous part; our marriage is completely normal, we are just honest about it.
“How many sexless marriages are out there right now, how many couples are staying together for the kids, for the mortgage, for appearances?
“We are doing the same thing millions of people are already doing. We just had the courage to say it out loud.
“I handle it by staying focused on what I know to be true our family works.
“Londyn is thriving and we are both living authentically, that’s not something I need anyone else’s permission for.”
He said people often think his relationship comes down to compromising or “playing house” – but argued that in fact, it’s the opposite.
He added: “This is the most intentional relationship either of us has ever been in.
“Every part of it is chosen, from how we communicate to how we parent, to how we support each other‘s individual goals.
“There’s no ‘autopilot’, no going through the motions.
“We chose each other with full information, and we keep choosing each other every day – that’s not settling.
“That’s the most deliberate kind of love there is”.
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