A couple who feared prostate cancer would tear their marriage apart say the disease has actually reignited their sex life.
Elvin Box went for a routine workplace medical, including an optional prostate check, which led to a prostate cancer diagnosis at 58.
He and wife Judith said the diagnosis had a devastating impact on their marriage – with Elvin struggling with continence issues and severe erectile dysfunction after having a prostatectomy in 2016.
His lack of confidence led to heated arguments between the pair, causing a wedge in their once-harmonious marriage.
“Judith and I have been in a passionate and loving relationship for over 50 years,” Elvin, who works as a psychological safety and trust facilitator, from Essex, told Need To Know.
“A result of suffering with complex erectile dysfunction, I was not getting satisfactory erections, resulting in our sex life becoming moribund.
“I was extremely distressed with my incontinence on a social level.
“This was exacerbated because I looked and felt very fit, exceedingly healthy, and as strong and confident as I had ever been.
“However I was becoming ever more anxious, feeling paranoid, and I was becoming destabilised.
“This led to me continually arguing with Judith about the level of her commitment to our relationship, specifically her love and desire for me.
“My anxiety was making me paranoid, and I felt unworthy as a lover.”
The couple hit crisis point during a birthday trip to Barcelona in 2017, when Elvin’s mood became an issue once more, resulting in a heated argument – which they both agreed needed to be a turning point to save their marriage.
Judith, now 69, added: “I think the diagnosis phase, the treatment selection, and the prostatectomy, we handled well.
“It was when Elvin became emotional and angry because he was struggling with his continence and wasn’t able to regain the perfect and spontaneous sexual relationship we had before the prostatectomy – that was very difficult.
“The most difficult occasion was to persuade Elvin it was time to seek medical help to get and hold an erection strong enough for enjoyable sex.”
Doctors had warned Elvin, now 68, it could take years for erectile function to partially return.
He was prescribed Viagra and recommended penile injections, but had reservations.
Judith added: “Elvin wanted to keep on with pelvic floor exercises and Viagra.
“He was petrified of injecting his willy and scared out of his mind the injections would fail.
“He saw injections as the very last option.
“Eventually, we both agreed that we’d exhausted every way possible to enjoy sex as we’d done before the prostatectomy, and it was now time to try out the injections.
“Fortunately, it worked perfectly.”
Since, the couple’s sex life has gotten back to its “passionate” origins.
Judith said: “Once I had mastered the medication reconstitution and drawing it up, and guiding Elvin to where to insert the needle, all the stress, anxiety and debilitating awkwardness I had experienced trying desperately to help him get a spontaneous erection, simply and completely vanished.
“Consequently, we have rekindled that spark, and our physical connection is as strong as ever.”
Both Elvin and Judith now speak openly about how prostate cancer affects relationships as much as patients.
Elvin said: “It was a difficult period, however Jude remained magnificent, utterly supportive, and we navigated the storm to sail in calmer seas.
“From the very moment I asked Jude to help me prepare for my MRI scan she took an exceptionally pragmatic, no fuss, ‘let’s do this’, deep-seated desire to overcome every single obstacle.
“Judith was the perfect yin to my yang, the calm to my chaos.
“Behind every survivor is a support system and mine started and ended with Jude.
“Prostate cancer is renowned as the couple’s disease so you’ll need to talk openly, honestly, and extremely candidly about how your partner’s diagnosis and treatment will, most definitely, change him, physically, mentally, and spiritually.
“Partners should prepare to be more patient, stoic, resilient, and, most of all, forgiving, than they’ve ever been before.”
Today, Elvin also works closely with The Focal Therapy Clinic after discovering the organisation following his own treatment journey.
Although he was not treated there himself, he now advocates for greater awareness of focal therapy, a newer, minimally invasive approach to prostate cancer treatment designed to reduce life-altering side effects such as erectile dysfunction and incontinence.
The clinic offers treatments including HIFU and NanoKnife at specialist centres across the UK, aiming to preserve patients’ quality of life while effectively targeting cancer.
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