A woman whose weight dropped to the same as an average 10-year-old was warned by doctors that she faced a cardiac arrest if she didn’t overcome her dangerous eating disorder.
Michela Carbosiero was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa at the age of just 12 after months of starving herself and becoming consumed by calorie counting.
At her most unwell, at 14, she became so physically frail she was banned from exercising or even walking unnecessarily at school.
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She was eventually admitted to hospital after psychiatrists warned her that both her physical and mental health had deteriorated so severely she was at risk of cardiac arrest.
“I was scared and confused, but at the time I would have rather died skinny than gain weight,” Michela, now 22 and living in London, told Need To Know.
Her devastating struggles with weight and body image started at the age of just 11.
She said: “I started displaying behaviours that resembled an eating disorder, including starving myself, becoming increasingly insecure about my body and constantly comparing myself to other people I saw in the media.
“It wasn’t one particular person, but every skinny woman or teenage girl I saw.
“I just wanted to be anyone but myself.
“On the children’s channels I watched, there was no representation of bigger girls being seen as beautiful.”
For Michela, it manifested in drastically cutting food and calories, becoming obsessive as she sought to change her body.
She said: “Very quickly, food stopped being something normal and became something that controlled my life.
“I was constantly counting calories and experiencing overwhelming anxiety around eating.
“It affected everything – my family life, my education, my friendships and my ability to enjoy being a child.
“Going to a restaurant felt terrifying, and even being around friends when food was involved became incredibly difficult.
“What started as insecurity gradually consumed almost every part of my life.
“I had always naturally been a bigger child, so this was an enormous and dangerous change for my body.
“It totally stole my childhood.
“I feel a deep sadness and guilt that my younger self really never got to be a proper child.”
The author and mental health advocate was banned from taking part in exercise at school when she became too thin.
She said: “I became so physically unwell that I wasn’t allowed to walk unnecessarily or take part in exercise at school.
“I was frail, my hair was falling out, and my body was beginning to shut down.
“Yet despite how exhausted my body was, my mind never seemed to stop.
“I was constantly thinking about food, calories, my weight and the scales.
“Eating disorders are often reduced to appearance or weight, but for me it was an illness that took over my entire existence.”
Doctors eventually admitted her to hospital after concluding she required urgent treatment.
She later went on to battle bulimia, alongside OCD, bipolar disorder and self-harm.
Michela says recovery happened gradually after she was admitted to The Priory for a second time and began attending a hospital school at 15.
For the first time, she found herself surrounded by teachers and classmates who understood what she was going through.
Michela said: “There wasn’t one magical moment where everything suddenly became better.
“My recovery happened gradually.
“After my second admission to The Priory, I wasn’t able to attend mainstream school because of my mental health, so I began attending a hospital school.
“That environment changed so much for me.
“For the first time, I was surrounded by people who understood aspects of what I was going through, and teachers who made me feel safe enough to talk openly about how I felt.”
Around the same time, her Pomeranian Leo began losing his fur.
She said: “We used to joke that Leo and I were similar.
“We both had differences that made us stand out.
“I had my mental health struggles and scars from self-harm, and Leo was becoming a little dog with no fur.
“But Leo didn’t care that he looked different.
“He was still Leo – lovable, funny and completely himself.
“There was something about that which brought me an enormous amount of comfort and, in a strange way, helped me begin accepting myself too.
“By then I had gained a significant amount of weight, which initially terrified me.
“But slowly, my confidence began to grow.
“I still had bad days; recovery certainly wasn’t linear, but those bad days gradually became less powerful.”
It inspired Michela to start writing children’s stories – including The Dog With No Fur, inspired by Leo, which has since reached number two in its Amazon category.
Michela said: “That book is incredibly close to my heart because the idea came from some of the darkest years of my life.
“Now, at 22, I can hold a published copy of that story and see how far I’ve come.
“Sometimes I wonder whether, if I’d had a book like The Dog With No Fur when I was a little girl, my relationship with my body might have developed differently.
“That’s one of the reasons I’m so passionate about getting messages of self-love and acceptance to children as early as possible.”
Looking back, Michela admits recovery was far from easy.
She said: “There was a lot of trial and error and definitely a lot of me shouting, ‘I can’t eat that’.
“Eating disorders aren’t glamorous.
“They’re painful, isolating and, at times, deeply humiliating.
“During one particularly difficult period with bulimia, I remember bingeing and purging around 10 times in a single day.
“I ended up in A&E because I needed to be medically checked.
“The shame I felt afterwards is something I’ll never forget.
“But somehow, through all of that darkness, I found something that gave me purpose – writing.
“Over time, instead of using all of my energy to make myself smaller, I started putting that energy into creating things that might make somebody else feel less alone.
“Life now is so full of light and hope that sometimes it’s difficult to believe it’s the same life.
“I think we’re often sold the idea that being thinner automatically means being happier.
“My experience has been almost the complete opposite.
“At my smallest, I was desperately unhappy and incredibly unwell.
“Today, some people might consider me bigger, but I am more alive, more fulfilled and more myself than I’ve ever been.
“Gaining weight became one of my greatest achievements because gaining weight meant gaining my life back.
“Now I get to write books, advocate for mental health and use social media to hopefully make other people feel less alone.
“It’s everything I could have dreamed of when I was lying in that hospital bed.
“I truly believe everyone has a purpose in this world — and making yourself smaller is not it.”
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