A mum who thought drinking expensive wine made her alcoholism seem more “sophisticated and acceptable” has revealed how getting sober has transformed her life.
Erin Devine started drinking at just 12 years old and became a “blackout drinker almost immediately”, relying on wine as an escape from a “chaotic childhood”.
The 46-year-old says that, despite appearing to have her life together, she secretly struggled with shame while drinking three bottles of wine every night and spending as much as £112 in a single evening on expensive bottles.
READ MORE: ‘Forget designer clothes and flashy cars – I spend £2,000 a MONTH giving my cats a life of luxury’
During a particularly low point, the mum-of-three found herself spending £800 a month on booze.
“I became incredibly isolated,” Erin, now a health and wellness content creator from Orange County, California, told Need To Know.
“I could barely leave the house, talk on the phone or even look at myself in the mirror because I carried so much shame about who I had become and the secrets I was keeping.
“I was drinking at least a bottle of wine a night and sometimes two or three.
“I never really had an off switch, and alcohol became the escape I was looking for.
“I abused it throughout my teens and adulthood, although I remained very functional.
“I also liked nicer wines.
“Looking back, I think I convinced myself that expensive wine somehow made the habit more acceptable, when really alcohol was still alcohol.
“During my marriage, we went out to nice restaurants frequently and entertained customers, so good wine was just part of the lifestyle I had become accustomed to.
“Looking back, though, I do think wine culture can make heavy drinking seem much more normal and sophisticated than it actually is.
“A beautiful bottle of wine doesn’t change what alcohol is doing to you.”
Despite getting through so much booze, Erin’s alcohol abuse was shrouded in secrecy.
She said: “At the height of my addiction, I was very isolated and no one knew.
“It was after Covid, I was recently divorced and had severed ties with most people.
“I was buying alcohol from multiple locations to hide the frequency and my children had no idea.
“Most of my heaviest drinking happened when my children were with their dad.
“Going from being a full-time stay-at-home mother to suddenly having periods of time without my children was incredibly difficult for me.
“When they left, I would become very depressed and sometimes drink heavily by myself.
“When they were home, I wasn’t drinking to the same extreme, which made it easier to conceal how bad things had become.
“I was able to function normally throughout my entire life while binge drinking.
“A day in my life during my addiction meant I didn’t leave my home.
“I would have a productive morning and start drinking by noon.
“I’d often have a daytime bottle of Chardonnay and then switch to red at night.
“I would sit, listen to music, smoke cigarettes and oftentimes pass out on my sofa.”
Throughout 2022, Erin was at her lowest and knew it was time to make a serious change.
She said: “Getting sober was incredibly difficult, and it took me many attempts.
“I probably tried to quit 20 times before it finally stuck.
“The last time was different because I felt like I had nowhere else to go.
“I knew I couldn’t keep living the way I was living.
“One of the hardest parts of sobriety was learning how to experience life without having something to immediately turn to when I felt uncomfortable.
“There is a vulnerability in that when you’ve spent your whole life numbing difficult emotions.
“Eventually, I realised that the discipline I had resisted for so long was actually what gave me my freedom back.
“I’d spent years thinking freedom meant doing whatever made me feel good in the moment.
“Today, I see freedom completely differently.”
Now, three years after giving up alcohol for good, Erin says sobriety has made her a better mother to Henry, 20, Hannah, 16, and Calvin, eight, while helping her build a thriving business.
She said: “Getting sober as a mum has been the best thing I’ve ever done.
“I’m no longer counting down the minutes until I can drink or looking for a reason to drink while still caring for them.
“I have patience now, more energy and my ability to have more meaningful connection is most noticeable in my relationship with my children.”
Erin managed periods of sobriety over the years, including while pregnant and raising her children, as well as an 18-month stint around 2019.
She said: “When I first started drinking again, it’s because I never did the [inner] work.
“I was still getting high on marijuana all day and I was still waiting for my Prince Charming to save me.
“I started dating again in 2022 and realised I couldn’t be myself while sober.
“For me to feel comfortable getting to know someone, I had to be under the influence.
“I quit alcohol cold turkey.
“I didn’t wean myself off, and I didn’t attend AA.
“This time, I understood that getting sober couldn’t just be about not drinking – it had to be about changing my relationship with myself.
“I was so fed up with the way I was living, and I finally reached a point where I believed there had to be more for me and more life left to live.
“I took every measurable step I could to surround myself with sobriety.
“I literally typed ‘quit drinking’ into Amazon and bought books about alcohol and sobriety.
“I listened to podcasts about what alcohol does to the brain and body.
“I unfollowed creators whose seemingly beautiful, alcohol-filled lifestyles made drinking look appealing or normal, and instead followed sober creators whose lives made me excited about what my own life could look like without alcohol.
“I also removed access wherever I could and deleted DoorDash so I couldn’t impulsively order alcohol.
“I started moving my body again almost immediately and made morning workouts a priority.”
Rather than viewing sobriety as simply giving up alcohol, Erin took the opportunity to completely rebuild her life.
She said: “Recovery has been about learning how to sit with myself and actually feel my life instead of escaping it.
“I stopped running away from being uncomfortable.
“I allowed myself to feel the sadness, anxiety, loneliness, regret and whatever else came up without immediately reaching for something to make it disappear.
“For most of my life, if I felt something uncomfortable, my instinct was to change the way I felt.
“Sobriety taught me that I could actually sit in discomfort and survive it.
“So for me, staying sober became much bigger than simply giving up alcohol.
“It became a complete rebuilding of my life and my relationship with myself.
“I stopped asking, ‘How do I make myself feel better right now?’ and started asking, ‘What will make my life better tomorrow?’
“I’ve now learned that the feeling passes. The craving passes. The bad night passes.
“And every time I chose not to drink, I built a little more trust in myself.
“One of the hardest parts is facing the shame and guilt around choices you made while drinking.
“I think that shame keeps a lot of people trapped because they feel completely alone in it.
“You’re not alone.
“Once you move through that pain, you become stronger and begin to find purpose in it.
“There are still hard days, but I wouldn’t trade the life I have now for a drink.
“At 46, I feel like I’m just getting started.
“Alcohol hasn’t left me with any lasting physical effects, and I think that’s important to share because the body has an incredible ability to heal.
“Once I removed alcohol, I realised how much better my body could function without it.
“I had more energy, felt clearer and naturally wanted to take better care of myself.
“For me, quitting drinking improved almost every aspect of my physical and mental health.
“Sobriety has been the best decision of my life.
“Quitting alcohol was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but doing that hard thing made me feel limitless.
“Once I realised I could take my power back from alcohol, I started believing I could change every other part of my life too.
“You are so much stronger than you think you are.
“Once I realised I could take my power back from alcohol, I started believing I could change every other part of my life too.”
READ MORE: ‘I let my kids stay off school even when they don’t ask – I’m working on my strict HUSBAND’
