A woman who worked in a maximum-security prison has revealed how her job completely destroyed her love life.
Kendra Capalbo spent 15 years of her life working as a clinical social worker, performing mental health assessments for inmates.
The role saw the 46-year-old working with murderers, rapists and criminals, and says dealing with the prisoners on a daily basis was disastrous for her love life.
Due to the constant interaction with these dangerous men, Kendra struggled to let down her guard and trust the men she was dating, resulting in her not wanting a relationship.
“When you spend most of your time in an environment such as a prison, you start to become very jaded in how you see the world,” Kendra, who is now a licensed sex and couples therapist, told NeedToKnow.co.uk.
“While I truly believe there are a significant number of good people who made mistakes and ended up incarcerated, or even some wrongly convicted, there are also a lot of individuals who aren’t.
“Listening to countless stories of their crimes, being lied to on a daily basis, knowing that there were always inmates trying to manipulate me or the system.
“Hearing how they spoke of and viewed women, it all led to me being very mistrusting and rough around the edges, as I often describe myself now.
“I’m not sure if I chose to work in a prison because of my style or if my style is because I worked in a prison.
“That style was also not for everyone in the dating pool.
“It was hard for me to soften outside of work.
“I think inmates would have described me as compassionate but also knew I was not there to play.
“It was essential to have my guard up at work and I found it difficult to take it down outside of work as well, and that made it hard to connect with romantic partners.”
At the start of her career at Rhode Island Adult Correctional Facility, Kendra went years without going on a single date and this was influenced by her job.
She said: “A lot of the inmates were extremely charming.
“I could imagine how women would fall for the part of them but then I was privy to hearing many of their conversations with their peers, most of which they didn’t know I was overhearing.
“Hearing the details of their crimes, especially those involving women and children, and the rationale many of them used to justify their behaviour also made it difficult to trust.
“For example, I never wanted a dinner date to pay for my meal because I wanted to be clear that I didn’t owe them anything.
“I think that energy that was flowing out of me was toxic and pushed potential partners away.”
However, after developing a crush while on holiday, Kendra decided to get back on the horse.
Unfortunately, the foray into dating didn’t go very well for the prison worker.
She said: “I joke about the fact that I went on a cruise and developed a crush on a guy that my friend and I met.
“Nothing came of it at all but it made me remember those butterfly-type feelings and it led me to re-enter the dating world, or to try at least.
“Once I made the decision to get back out there, the lack of success I was having really decreased my self-esteem.
“At the time, I did not see the connection between my job and that, so I really internalised it as a rejection of me as a person.
“I don’t think I actually knew how much that career negatively impacted me until I left and my internal self was safe to come out again.
“That’s when I was able to recognise how much of a wall I had put up around me and I was able to slowly tear it down.”
Eventually, things got too much for Kendra and she decided to start seeking other career ventures – in particular, therapy.
While still working in the prison, she began doing private practice work and eventually, fell in love with couples therapy.
She added: “I did not even see leaving the prison as a plausible option, I felt like I was doing a life sentence.
“I started to really become aware of the difference I felt in myself when I was doing private practice work, with clients who wanted to be doing the work.
“As opposed to being at the prison where, for the most part, the system dictated who I would meet with and most of them did not want to be seeing me at all.
“Even more remarkably, I started noticing that not only did I like working with couples more than individuals in or out of the prison, but it also actually energised me.
“I could work all day with inmates and be absolutely drained but then I would go into a couples session and I would leave it feeling invigorated.
“One day I started looking at numbers and it was like a lightbulb turned on and I realised I was not actually stuck and that I could leave the prison, from a financial perspective.”
Luckily for Kendra, her love life also took a turn for the better.
In 2016, at the age of 40, she met her now-husband, James, 50, through an online dating site and they eventually tied in the knot in July 2020.
She said: “I think doing more couples work made me realise how much I really did want to be in a relationship.
“Even though they had issues, I could see the love and a desire to fight to save the marriage and I wanted that.
“I think my guard was still up but Jim (James) could see through it and was patient with me as it came down.
“Jim was also incredibly transparent, some may say too much so, on our first date.
“He didn’t have ‘game’ so I never really worried I was being conned.
“He, like me, is a little rough around the edges but he showed me that right away and so it seemed unlikely I was getting played, which is what working at the prison made me worry about.”
Despite a rocky start with her love life, Kendra says she doesn’t regret working at the prison and is now doing really well.
She added: “I’m doing great now.
“I have always been a believer that every step in life leads you to where you are meant to be and I feel like I’ve arrived.
“I can look back and see the path so clearly and although I wish maybe some things had gone a bit differently, I am happy with where it all led.
“The lessons I have learned, the majority from the most challenging times in my life, have been invaluable and I try to use them to better my career and all the relationships in my life, most importantly with my husband.”
