A dad who suffered from severe anxiety and depression that drove him to drink has given up the bottle and become a talented painter – earning over £15,000 per piece.
Paul Lock, 45, had his first taste of alcohol when he was just 14 years old, the start of a harrowing journey that would see him suffer with drinking problems for years.
When he was a teenager, aged 18, he would binge-drink up to four times a week and says there wasn’t a week that went by where he wouldn’t get drunk – only stopping if he ran out of money.
As the years went on, the drinking escalated and the now dad would often down more than a litre of vodka or gin per night.
Some days, he would hit the bottle from noon in the day and only stop in the wee hours of the morning up till 6am – and losing track of how many bottles he had consumed.
“From around the age of 18 to when I stopped drinking there wasn’t a week that went by where I wouldn’t get drunk and I mean completely drunk,” Paul told Jam Press.
“If I wasn’t going out, I’d binge drink on my own at home. I didn’t suffer from hangovers so there was no off switch.
“When I drank, I would typically only stop drinking when I ran out of money, the venue closed, I’d drunk all the alcohol I had or I was so drunk I could barely walk.
“I was so practised though, always able to find my way home.”
The drinking started to take a real toll on Paul in 2000, fuelling anxiety and depression. At 28, the dad had his first mental breakdown and was signed off work, unable to leave the house for weeks on end or face life “outside the front door”.
He tried therapy and medication but nothing worked – so he kept turning to the bottle in order to numb his feelings.
Unfortunately, having a job in sales also enabled the drinking habit as Paul would often take clients out for drinks to close deals.
He recalls a shocking incident where he was so drunk that he locked himself out of his hotel room naked and had to scurry to the stairwell to hide before security came and rescued him.
Paul said: “I sometimes wonder how an earth I escaped without some pretty bad things happening.
“I remember one occasion in my late twenties after being out with some work friends, I was so drunk that I fell asleep in a doorway in Covent Garden and woke up at 6:30am, I was pretty shocked I’d done that.
“On a business trip while staying in a hotel, it was 6am in the morning and I’d not long been in bed, I got up to use the bathroom but went through the wrong door, it closed behind me and I realised I wasn’t in the bathroom – but in the hotel corridor and my room door had shut behind me.
“I was locked out and completely naked. I couldn’t even remember which room I was in, as all the doors looked the same, so I just hid in a stairwell.
“I was thinking, oh my goodness I’m going to have to go down to reception, which meant walking past everyone eating breakfast!
“Luckily before I plucked up the courage to move, security saw me on the video surveillance and came and rescued me.”
Paul was also suffering from severe mental health problems by this point.
He said: “It was anxiety and depression. I couldn’t leave the house for six weeks. I completely lost it.
“I had a panic attack in the past, but this was different, I completely lost the plot. I couldn’t face life outside the front door.
“I was anxious all the time, didn’t know what to do with myself.
“Deep down I knew it was a problem, I knew I was going to kill myself.”
Paul married wife, Emma Lock, in 2005 and together they had a daughter, Jessica in 2008.
The dad praises his wife for being his rock and giving him unconditional love during his darkest days.
He said: “My wife is the most amazing person, she just gave me all of her unconditional love.
“I guess, it wasn’t all bad though, I would also be the life and soul of a party, getting everyone else to drink excessively and have fun.
“She was really the only one who saw my darker side and my personal pain.
“I’ve never liked being told what to do, so I guess she knew she couldn’t change me, she knew I had to see it in my own time.”
Two years later, the new dad had a moment of clarity.
He stared into his daughter’s eyes and realised he needed to change for the better or he wouldn’t be around long enough to see her grow up.
Paul said: “My daughter was two, I remember her walking in our bedroom in the morning as she did every morning with a huge smile on her face.
“It was about 7.30am. I looked at her and thought, where have I gone wrong?
“That’s when it started to change. That moment was when I knew for me, for her, that I’d rather end up needing mental health support in a mental hospital than continue what I was doing with drinking.”
At the age of 35, Paul went cold turkey and stopped drinking altogether.
Giving up alcohol was a challenge, with the dad’s head feeling like it was going to “explode” and his mind constantly racing. The father-of-one also had intense sugar cravings during the day.
He said: “I felt like my head was going to explode, my mind would race so fast.
“I couldn’t sleep, it was a little like torture, it felt manic in my mind. Going to work was the only time when my mind would settle, it was like a distraction.
“I was anxious, but then I’d always felt pretty anxious so I was used to it.
“I can remember going into a rooftop London bar in the middle of Green Park shortly after I quit drinking.
“I must have walked past the bar 20 times before I plucked up the courage to go in because I knew I was going in to order water.”
In 2011, the dad picked up a paintbrush for the first time and discovered a new artistic hobby to pass the time.
As his love for the art grew, he decided to quit his job in 2014 and paint full-time.
He also set up a programme helping prisoners who struggle with addiction issues, called ‘Beyond Recovery’.
In November 2018, Paul exhibited his work at an art show in Fitzrovia – and the event blew up his career. His pieces sold for up to £15,000 and were shipped to keen buyers all over the world.
Now aged 45, Paul feels at peace and enjoys spending time with his wife and daughter, Jessica, who is 12 years old, and continues painting every day in his studio.
Paul said: “I feel at peace, I feel like I’ve found a home inside me.
“I feel like everything is a bonus. I’ve lived a lifetime, I can’t believe I’m only 45. It was a really weird experience.
“I have no idea what is going to happen next. I don’t have any grand plans for the future.
“I just love seeing my daughter every day. I love my studio and I love my little life.
“But it’s not all roses. Of course, I still go through ups and downs, I still fluctuate.
“If I hadn’t gone through my journey and learnt about life, there was no way I would be able to paint.
“Painting is such an emotional rollercoaster. I’ve learnt that I’m not my feelings and my thoughts, I’m something way different than that.
“I am not my experience. If I didn’t know that, I wouldn’t be able to paint.
“For me, it can be an emotional journey. Painting is like a metaphor for life, as you start with a blank canvas.”
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