A woman has revealed how she decided to stop waiting for a man to become a parent – and became a solo mum on her own with IVF.
By the time Stacy Thomson, now 43, from St Albans, reached her forties, she was in a situation she would never have anticipated – she was childless and single.
Having always wanted a family, at 41 she decided enough was enough and she couldn’t wait around to meet a partner before having children, having endured a fruitless nine years on dating apps.
Instead, Stacy made the brave choice of going it alone and got her fertility tested, but was disheartened to learn the results were far from positive.
“My eggs were literally dying, and I had no more time to find a partner,” she told NeedToKnow.online.
“With previous boyfriends, I don’t think we were ever at a stage where we considered having a baby. We’d speak about the future, but it wasn’t something we were doing ‘now’.
“After my last relationship ended, I hadn’t actually dated for a while. I felt my age would often get in the way with most people assuming I’d want children immediately – therefore would instantly tell me that they were only looking for fun.
“I can understand why people would come to that conclusion, but I wasn’t in any rush either.
“I was happy and content, maybe even a little too comfortable and with dating fatigue setting in – I’d been on the dating scene for over 10 years on and off – my motivation was low.
“With that, I decided to go it alone – I made this decision not as my 41-year-old self, but rather how my future 45-year-old self may feel without any options at all.
“I knew I’d be a great mum, so taking things into my own hands seemed the best way to ensure that I didn’t regret not trying.
“It was the only option I had at that time to make sure I wouldn’t miss out on being a parent.”
She told friends and family about her plans, but found that people struggled to wrap their heads around it.
Stacy said: “When I first started talking about having a baby on my own, I definitely think people struggled to understand the concept.
“Solo parenting isn’t talked about much, it’s obviously not the norm, however if you dig beneath the surface, you do realise that there are hundreds of women choosing the same path.
“I also think relatives are just concerned for the unknown of how you will cope.
“I didn’t make it easy for myself – I live five hours away from my family, so support and babysitting isn’t just around the corner – it can be tough.”
Regardless of what people thought, Stacy went ahead and was lucky to have a smooth-sailing IVF experience, with the first cycle in November 2020, proving successful.
While she was thrilled to be pregnant, going it alone became a very real challenge.
Stacy said: “Whilst hormones inevitably played a part during this time, we are of course sold a ‘love story’ of family.
“The reality was I’d failed at finding someone to love me and stay.
“That love story did not include me having a baby on my own or injecting myself, being put to sleep to have my eggs collected, having embryos transferred into me via a tube, or going to scans alone.”
Thankfully, she welcomed a healthy baby boy, Milo, in August 2021.
Of motherhood, Stacy said: “It is bloody exhausting and relentless – but life is good and my son motivates me every day.
“I often feel very guilty when I talk openly and honestly about being a mum, especially as some of the people I have met along the way are still going through IVF after several unsuccessful attempts.
“I’d be lying if I said it was easy, and I feel increasing the narrative around the struggles, normalising the realities of parenthood, and especially solo parenting is key.”
But while she is raising Milo alone, Stacy isn’t closed off to finding love in the future.
When she realised the challenges facing those who want to have a serious relationship and a family – including “time wasting, people not on the same page, and general overall poor dating behaviour” – she decided to help other people connect and start dating again with a members-only “healthier” app, REDDI.
Stacy said: “After years of dating, I really wanted to help people find the right partner – it is, after all, the greatest decision you will ever make.
“The app is all about healthy relationships, and having been a mental health practitioner and performance coach for many years, I have really been able to utilise all my knowledge and skills when it comes to building the app.
“I’m still not dating myself, but I’m actually comfortable with that at the moment as I simply do not have the time, so I’m focusing on my own self-care.
“I’m also focused on changing the way we date, including looking to other dating app founders and asking them to be more socially responsible.
“I truly believe that we can change the mental health of many by focusing on the very core of what it means to be human – our relationships.”
