CONTENT WARNING: References to suicide
A dad who was buried in £17,000 of debt and drinking all day to cope has revealed how he managed to save his own life by embracing his emotions – finally learning to cry.
Josh Connolly, 34, from Royal Wootton Bassett, Wiltshire, weighed nine-and-a-half stone and struggled with alcohol and substance abuse during the height of his turmoil.
Since the age of 12, he had struggled inwardly with overwhelming feelings of shame and sadness that he says he released as anger and self-medicated with alcohol to calm his internal struggle.
After the breakdown of his relationship with the mother of his four children when he was 24, Josh’s mental health was at an all time low and he decided to end his life.
“I was £17,000 in debt and I was staying on my mum’s floor. Everything I owned fit in a plastic bag,” Josh told NeedToKnow.online.
“I was nine and a half stone – five stone lighter than I am now – and all I did was drink alcohol, smoke weed and go to work.
“I was always on a knife edge of having an emotional outburst, I was so full of shame and overwhelmed.
“Alcohol caused issues in every aspect of my life but I always held down a job and to most people that meant I was doing just fine.
“In reality I had made a plan to end my life. But it was that plan of an escape route that changed everything.
“I had a weekend visit with my kids and because suddenly the pressure was off and I knew it could be our last visit I could be more present with my children and I treasured the time together.
“It was such a good visit that I lived for the next one and decided to do the same the week after that and the week after that.
“Soon I wanted to sober up and live in the present moment for them for every coming week. They saved me.”
Josh started Alcoholics Anonymous and therapy and found other outlets and ways to channel his stress and overwhelm including breathwork and sharing his experiences with others.
He said: “I came to the realisation that a lot of my anger was actually shame that I wasn’t coping or sadness.
“Once I learnt how to name my emotions and really feel them, I could move forwards easier.
“I’m a lot less angry now and I think it’s because I cry more.
“In my 20s I believed that resilience was the ability to keep going no matter what, to avoid any struggle and show up. That ideal drove me to a place where I felt the best thing to do for my children was to take my own life.
“Today I have a new idea of resilience. I can say when I need a break or if I’m getting overwhelmed and frustrated and stop myself from reaching that furious breaking point.
“When I pushed my emotions down all the time it was like a cup that could fill and when it split over that was anger. The smallest thing could set me off. Now I don’t let my cup get so full.
“I don’t believe I’m a new person, I’m the same person, with the same emotions. The difference today lies within what I do with the energy of those emotions.”
In October 2015 Josh got married In Jamaica and went on to have more two children with his wife Leah, 37.
By 2019 Josh started delivering workshops to global organisations about resilience and how his overwhelming emotions were now his superpower, sharing information on Instagram (@josh_ffw) with his 116,000 followers.
He says in our wider society the only “safe” place for men to cry is the football – something he wants to change.
He said: “We are increasingly lonely as a generation because of all the separation that apps and social media give us.
“I want men to feel able to show up with us and feel completely comfortable as their truest self.
“Sharing your truest self with trusted people is the antidote to loneliness.”
Recently Josh has collaborated with a corporate wellness brand, That Day, co-founded by Rob Smith and Mark Briant, to create “The Uncommon Man” a men-only workshop that aims to help “anyone who identifies as a man” to “come back to their emotions” and “understand themselves on a deeper level.”
