A recovering alcoholic was diagnosed with liver disease aged just 25 after spotting the whites of his eyes had turned yellow in the mirror.
Toby Winson was drinking a litre-and-a-half of vodka during a seven-year battle with alcohol addiction, eventually turning to nine litres a day of strong white cider.
The 36-year-old said his dependency became so severe that he suffered hallucinations and seizures when he tried to quit drinking “cold turkey”, leaving him terrified of withdrawal symptoms.
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One morning, after noticing his eyes had turned a disturbing yellow colour, he realised he was running out of time.
“It sent a shiver down my spine,” Toby, from Broadstairs, Kent, told Need To Know.
“I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and had to double take.
“The whites of my eyes had turned a murky yellow.
“I must have already been jaundiced, but I guess that happened over time, so I didn’t notice as much.
“Eventually, and I’ll never forget this, I threw what must have been a fifth of a bottle of cider in the bin and called an ambulance.
“I was rushed to hospital where they told me I had alcoholic liver disease.”
Toby, now a journalist, spent a month in hospital where medics battled to save his life.
He said: “I had lost all hope and didn’t care if I survived or not.
“Alcohol addiction had made me feel worthless and a burden.”
Toby’s relationship with alcohol began when he was just 14, after drinking vodka with friends.
By the age of 19, he was secretly drinking vodka every evening, often alone and in secret.
He said: “I was addicted to the feeling alcohol gave me.
“It had me in a chokehold, and I couldn’t see a way out.
“I allowed it to become a part of my fixed routine and ignored all the warning signs.
“What I should have done was speak to someone as soon as I started drinking in secret – it could have saved me and my family a huge amount of pain and suffering.”
Eventually, he needed alcohol first thing in the morning simply to stop the withdrawal symptoms.
For years Toby hid the extent of his drinking from everyone around him.
Toby said: “Addiction teaches you skills that you don’t want.
“It teaches you how to lie, hide things and be deceitful.
“I would carry toothpaste with me to hide the smell of alcohol, and I was an expert at hiding my empty bottles.”
His secret was exposed when, aged 21, he abruptly stopped drinking ahead of a medical examination while applying to join the Royal Marines.
After years of drinking heavily around the clock, he suffered life-threatening withdrawal symptoms.
He said: “For about two days, I was violently ill.
“I remember throwing up so much that I could barely see.
“Then, towards the end of the second day, I started seeing things.
“I could see water dripping down the walls and from the ceiling.
“The carpet became a bed of spiders, and my legs were getting tied up by cobwebs.
“I genuinely thought I had lost my mind.
“I ended up running towards traffic in just my trousers because I thought someone was trying to kill me.
“Eventually I managed to wave down a car that took me to the police station.
“Inevitably, the police called an ambulance straight away as they assumed I was on drugs.
“After explaining how much I had been drinking and that I had just stopped, they immediately knew what was wrong with me – severe alcohol withdrawal.”
The hospital called Toby’s parents, who were heartbroken to discover their son was an alcoholic.
Doctors later warned them it was too dangerous for him to suddenly stop drinking again because the withdrawal could kill him.
Instead, his mum was forced to ration him vodka while he waited for a place at a detox centre.
Toby said: “My mum had to give me the thing that was killing me because it was too dangerous for me to stop.
“That’s how dangerous alcohol is when you are physically dependent, and that’s an example of the awful things my addiction put my family through.”
But his addiction was too hard to beat at that point, and by 24 Toby was at rock bottom – unemployed and living alone, with every day revolving around finding enough money to buy alcohol.
Toby switched from vodka to cheap, high-strength white cider because it was more affordable.
He said: “There were no sober periods anymore.
“I was terrified of the withdrawals.
“At this point I was on benefits, and when that ran out I would have to beg or sell stuff – I even sold my fridge-freezer to buy alcohol.
“All I had done with my life was cause hurt and pain to myself and my amazing family, who never gave up on me.
“I was self-destructing, and I genuinely couldn’t see a way out of the pit of addiction.
“Everything was an excuse to keep drinking.
“In the morning, would have an indescribable pain in my stomach.
“The first thing I would need to do was crawl to the edge of my bed to make myself sick.
“I had to do this first; otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to hold down the alcohol that would be waiting next to my bed, and I needed to get that alcohol in my system to fight off the withdrawals and burn away the pain in my stomach.
“After downing the bottle, I’d sit as still as possible and wait for the shakes to stop.
“Then I’d get dressed and head out to beg or whatever to get enough money to buy more alcohol.
“I’d need a few three-litre bottles of cider each day and one ready for the morning.
“That horrendous routine was my life for quite a long time.”
During one relapse, he drank a bottle of hand sanitiser in a hospital toilet and ended up in intensive care.
Toby’s turning point finally came in August 2016, when he had his last drink.
He said: “For such a long time I had been bottling things up, but I had finally started talking openly and honestly – that was the key.
“I would tell anyone who would listen about my battle and recovery.
“I started getting into a healthy routine and exercising.
“Then came small goals.
“To start with, they could be as small as walking the dog, because things like that made me feel normal and part of society again.
“It was by no means easy.
“For years I had been blocking my emotions with alcohol.
“The shame, regret and guilt hit me like a tonne of bricks, and my anxiety was through the roof, but over time this eased.
“After a year or so, the shame was replaced with pride in my recovery.
“I was overcoming something that I thought I could never beat.”
Now approaching 10 years sober, Toby has transformed his life, becoming an award-winning journalist and recovery advocate, presenting documentaries on the topic of alcohol harm for ITV and hosting talks in schools on the subject.
He said: “Having an addictive personality is a blessing and a curse.
“When I put that addictive energy into positive things, I’ve achieved stuff over the last 10 years that I’m really proud of.
“But when I put that addictive energy into things that are bad for me, it’s like a nuclear bomb going off in my life!
“I learnt the hard way through gambling – I thought I could treat it differently to alcohol, but I was wrong.
“My big mistake after that happened was that I didn’t talk about it – I bottled it up and, predictably, it happened again.
“So now, I tackle gambling the same way I tackle alcoholism – by talking openly and honestly about it.
“I discovered that letting everyone know I’m in recovery and speaking or writing about it openly was a powerful tool against addiction.
“I have a huge network of support that knows everything about my battle and that has played such a big part in keeping me sober.
“I’m very open about my journey because talking about it is the most effective tool in my arsenal against addiction.
“I also think that it’s really important that those who are in the depths of addiction see other people have recovered.
“That’s why I shout about it at every opportunity.”
Incredibly, Toby says scans have shown his liver has healed and he has avoided permanent cirrhosis.
He added: “Recovery has given me so much.
“I’ve been able to repair the relationship with my family, I no longer dwell on the pain I caused them, and I know all they want is for me to be healthy and sober.
“I’ve been incredibly lucky.
“I genuinely felt that I would never beat alcohol addiction; I thought it would kill me.
“I know there are so many people out there who feel like that right now.
“They feel hopeless and trapped, but I just want them to know there is always a way back, and I’m proof of that.
“Take all the help you can get, whether that’s local alcohol services, counselling, your GP, Alcoholics Anonymous and even the support on social media.
“But the most important thing is that you talk openly and honestly about your addiction.
“Don’t bottle things up. Don’t beat yourself up. The shame and guilt will fade – talking is key.
“It saved my life, and it can save yours too.
“You can beat alcohol addiction, and you can have a wonderful life.”
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