A woman who dates other people while her boyfriend stays at home has revealed how their relationship dynamic works – and says people think they won’t last.
Fernanda Fabian, 31, and her partner, Michael*, 40, agreed on the controversial setup when they first started dating.
And while he’s remained committed to her, he says there are no feelings of jealousy on his part, and no feelings of guilt on her end.
But it’s not always been that way.
“When I started having feelings for other people at first, I felt like I was doing something wrong,” the relationship coach told Need To Know.
“These didn’t impact how I felt about Michael – if anything, I became more appreciative of him.
“Now, I only feel guilty if I feel like I’ve compromised my relationship for someone else.
“For example, I accidentally took the last bit of freshly baked bread to share with a date and left Michael with the store-bought one.
“With time, he’s gotten more used to me going on dates and sleeping with other people.
“He doesn’t experience jealousy anymore because he feels secure in our connection.
“Even though he doesn’t ask for it, I constantly express my love and appreciation for him.
“And I always try to put our relationship first.”
Fernanda knew she wasn’t into monogamy in her mid-20s.
She met Michael shortly after this realisation, though she was clear with him from the start about her feelings.
Even though he was open to the idea, he asked to kick things off just the two of them.
She said: “I agreed to go in stages and he’d be the one to determine when and how we’d move to the next one.
“I always respected his boundaries, and he made an effort to push himself to become more comfortable with me seeing other people.
“I didn’t date anyone else for the first year, but I did attend a couple of play parties – with his consent – while we were long distance.
“Whenever I go on a date now, we don’t talk about it.
“Unless I’m struggling with something and need his support.
“At first, Michael needed some space, but now we’re able to spend time together and connect right away – although never sexually on the same night.
“I always make sure my partners wear condoms to protect both of our safety.”
Fernanda, who runs the podcast and relationship coaching company, Polycurious, says if Michael asked to close their relationship, she would do so – though it would most likely be temporary.
She has made the decision herself before when feeling “overwhelmed” and “disappointed” within her other relationships.
Even though they share a stable connection, Fernanda would be open to Michael exploring being non-monogamous if he wished to try it.
She said: “A part of me wants him to have that experience because I know how fulfilling it can be and in some ways, even addictive to our relationship.
“I’m pretty sure I would experience some jealousy, though.
“But those feelings would eventually go – just like they did with him.”
For now, they have biweekly check-ins about their relationship and are open about it to her family, not his.
She believes more couples should question if non-monogamy is actually the “norm”.
Fernanda, from Denver, US, added: “My mum had concerns we didn’t truly love each other and that we would break up – but seven years later, we’re still going strong.
“With time, she’s come to admire our relationship.
“Some people online have commented that I am taking advantage of him, but that isn’t the case.
“He actually prefers this arrangement.
“My advice is to make sure your relationship is solid already and take it slow.
“Monitor your partner’s response, and if they have a negative reaction, reassure them of your love and commitment.
“It’s likely they will take the decision personally, but seeing other people doesn’t mean you love them any less.
“I think a big reason why our mono-poly dynamic works is because I’m an extrovert and he’s an introvert.
“I get energy from spending time with people, and he gets that from being on his own.
“When I come home from being on a date, we’re fully recharged.”
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