A fostering expert has shared the subtle way parents are actually driving teens away without meaning to.
Trevor Elliott says certain small, everyday parenting habits could be quietly impacting relationships with teenagers.
The 35-year-old became a foster parent when he was just 24, fostering three teenage boys who left his care when they turned 21, earning him his stripes.
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The Londoner is also the founder of Kennedy Elliott, which provides care and accommodation for children and young people aged between 11-25 who have experienced extreme disadvantages.
Trevor’s experience working closely with young people in the care system means he’s seen where these breakdowns can lead – and, crucially, how they can be prevented.
“One of the biggest quotes I live by is, ‘connect before you correct’,” Trevor told Need To Know.
“I believe our job is to understand what a child is thinking, what they’re processing, what they’re experiencing.
“And we don’t always need to let them know – sometimes we can be ahead of them, sometimes we can be alongside them, and sometimes we can be slightly beside them to allow them to flourish and progress.
“So parents, future parents, my advice out there really is: try and connect before you correct.”
While most parents are trying to do the right thing, often under pressure and with the best intentions, certain behaviours can still have the opposite effect.
From over-monitoring to shutting down difficult conversations, Trevor says these patterns can gradually create distance, making teenagers more likely to withdraw rather than open up.
Using his own experience as a foster parent, Trevor shared his thoughts on the mistakes often made by parents.
He claims that a big mistake parents make becomes clear in how they handle difficult conversations.
He said: “One of my foster children came home one day after school and he was doing really, really amazing in school – academically great.
“You’d go to parents’ evening and he was like ‘star golden boy,’ and that’s a lot of pressure for any child because they’re that golden boy or that star child.
“And he started to form bad habits.
“He came home one day smoking, or smelling of smoke, shall I say.
“And obviously I questioned him, and I questioned him in defence, and frustration, and annoyance – and I’m not afraid to admit it.
“He said something that stuck with me; he said ‘Trevor, I’m really stressed out, I was with my friends, I just wanted to have a good time’.
“And that was it.”
This is where Trevor stopped and really thought about how he was approaching the situation – and chose to put himself in the child’s position for a moment.
He added: “When he said that, I thought ‘I totally understand your thinking.
“I don’t agree because I have not smoked – I don’t agree, but I understand your process’.
“At the time, it was for me to understand him, but then show him other options.
“And then it’s ultimately down to him in time.
“So, it’s an expensive habit, it’s an unhealthy habit, and there are other ways of seeking therapy or help or support – it could be just having these conversations with me and him, or going for long walks, or whatever is better than that.
“But I understood and what was important for me, as I go back to it, is I needed to connect with him to understand his thinking.”
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